The Story of The Projectile Poo- A Glimpse Into the Life of a 1st time Father
Baby Bo woke up at approx. 11:30pm CST after 2 hours of much needed uninterrupted sleep. The little guy was hungry. Daddy woke to get him ready for mommy to feed; I unwrapped the swaddle, stimulated Bo to make it easier to get a good latch and thus a productive feed. The latch is very important, because if we have a good latch, then we have a good feed, which increases the chances of 2 more hours of uninterrupted sleep. Well thank the Lord the latch on mommy was good and Bo was gulping like a brown trout sipping on countless tiny Griffiths Knats. This first feed gave daddy the opportunity to gather the necessary equipment for a diaper change before attempting the coveted 2nd latch to the other breast to finish off the feed, thus possibly leading to 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep.[i]
With the feeding on one side complete, it was now time for daddy to change the wet diaper. Placing Bo at the end of the bed, the change was proceeding very nicely. No crying, no squirming; just removal of the diaper, a good wiping, application of some Vaseline to the peeney, and sliding the new diaper underneath his little hiney. Near the tail end (literally) of the change things started to take a turn for the worse. Bo scrunched up his brow, placed his tiny arms to the side and…propelled a stream of watery breast fed poo all over my leg, down the side of our comforter, and halfway across the room, landing all over our seagrass rug. As I glanced down at my dripping leg and back up to Bo he still seemed pretty content; no shame, just relief. I completed the diaper change maneuver with a poo wet leg, handed Bo back to mommy and proceeded to clean up the mess our little angel had created. At this point I was very tickled, I could not stop laughing at the situation and little did I know that this midnight doodoo dousing was all but over.
Ashley suggested Shout® spray to remove the yellowish stain that now ran down our comforter, so I went to the laundry room on a mission. Max-Jean (our two year-old black lab) stays locked in our laundry room at night behind a kid-gate. Considering that she did not want to be woken up as a result of the midnight poo, I attempted to reach over the gate for the Shout® bottle on the other side of laundry room. Well, I knocked over the gate, which made a crashing sound when it hit the floor, and Max-Jean was out. As if she had planned her escape, she made a bee-line for our bedroom and the poo filled floor. She proceeded to help with my clean-up efforts. I shortly followed with a “git outa here, ya nasty dawg” grabbed her by the collar to escorted her outside and had her licking my still wet, somewhat crusty, poo drenched leg on the way out. Whew, its now almost 12:00 AM.
With the dog outside, Bo starting to finish his feed, and my best midnight clean-up detail complete, I finally stuck my lower body in the shower to clean myself. Then it was back to the bedroom, burp Bo, swaddle Bo, and lay Bo down in the bassinet for two more hours of rest…Oh yeah, the dog; well I went to call for her and I catch a glimpse of her black body in the night with the same scrunched brow and legs spread position that Bo was in just 20 minutes prior. I thought, “should I try to poo too; it seem like a good time everyone else in the house is?” I finally got Max-Jean back into the laundry room, all the lights turned out…it was 12:08AM…1 ½ more hours of uninterrupted sleep.
[i] The necessary equipment for proper diaper change includes: a waterproof changing pad, several diapers, alchohol swabs to clean the umbilical cord clamp, Vaseline and gauze for the circumcised penis, and disposable wipes (possibly a wet wash rag if you prefer luxury and desire to do laundry for weeks.)